Suffering from Another Attack

This time, however, it's an excitement attack. So many things to do and I want to do them all, but don't know what to do first. Just yesterday I thought I was on track for what I wanted to do, but now after seeing Shaffia and meeting another Gemini, my whole world is turned back upside down. A number of quotes are coming at me all at once.... "This is the best of both worlds"-Candide. Why desire/ attach to things that will only bring pain and suffering?-Buddhist Teaching. "You can have it all"-Shaffia. "The only thing one needs to concentrate on in life is the breath"-Shaffia, and various others.

And there's a full moon tomorrow night, so that adds to the craziness factor. As I told Bruce, there is no happy medium for me, either I am suffering from a panic attack about what other's will think of me, or I am suffering from an adrenaline attack as there are so many options as to what I want to do, I am simply overwhelmed. But the happy medium comes from the breath, as the last quote indicates. And thus I am breathing. These hi emotional rushes usually seem to come in the evening, I wonder if there is something to that.

I get so confused when I'm not on the land. Where's the ventilator?! Who's to say one life is better than another? Society does, because we judge people by their experiences, clothes, resumes, peers, homes, etc..... Consoling ourselves at the end of the day because we have more or are not as bad off as Bob, Susie, Dick, or Jane. When did we become such a competitive cut-throat society?! So greedy for material wealth as we assume that it will bring us happiness. Living the life as a country bumpkin who never leaves the country, let alone state, is no more or less of a life than my own. The difference is they are more likely to be more present than I ever have been in my world travels and adventures. Why is that? It's because I want to be able to tell people about my exciting adventures and upcoming exotic plans, because I want the fame. I want people to think that I live an exciting adventurous lifestyle. I want people to look up to me. I want to be unique. That is why I am so opposed to following the cookie cutter societal lifestyle I am so cut out for. I am unique with or without the exotic plans. I am authentically unique just by listening to my breath. At the end of the day, my parents are wrong, the only thing that matters is how I feel, not how others feel about me. Who really cares how I feel about them?! NO ONE.

Today met a fellow Gemini, Jane. She's a hard core world-travelling twin who encouraged me to get out and see the world. It was great chatting with her, but afterwards I had totally jumped aboard a speeding train with her baggage. When I was talking about Bruce, I called him my partner. It felt good to say, and I was comfortable with it, but why is it mission impossible for me to committ 100%?

Am getting caught up in the hype of being 30, and being able to do whatever my heart desires. A chance most people either don't get or blow. But who's to say what's blowing the opportunity and what's not?! I can feel I am getting closer and closer to the core of my obsession as to what other's think. With each breath. Man, what a trip. And who's to say that other's don't have this opportunity? Everyone gets it, most people just don't realize it or are too afraid they will fail. What am I afraid of? At the core level? Being unacceptable. But how could I ever be that? Aren't I that with my parents? They definitely have some challenges understanding me, but they still accept me. How can anyone not accept someone when we all share the same common thread, being a human filled with compassion and love. I guess I see how pointless my fear is.

Trying to understand the universe, or any small part of it, is pointless. So why am I wasting my time with it? Does it make me a better person?