Limonade

I have discovered a new drug called lemonade that gives one the most clairvoyant buzz ever. Partook in Stanley Burrough's lemonade cleanse for 10 days and am just now starting to reintegrate into human food. But it's hard. Hard on so many levels. The first day I was on this cleanse I was as happy as I was in the Bangkok hospital, which is the happiest I've ever been. It was so easy to make "meals", required no time, and it felt great for most of the toxins to leave my body. The cleanse also gave me a unique vantage point as to all the different roles that food plays in our society and world. We eat when we are bored- it was really difficult to be at Bruce's and not eat! Not that his Costco pantry looked all that appealing, but at least it was something to do!; stressed-Bruce and I had a misunderstanding and when I got to his place, I totally felt the need to binge on anything that would fill me up other than lemonade, it was nuts to synthesize the underlying motivation for the binge; as a social habit-nights were definitely the hardest just because dinner is one of the significant routines of the day. Quite the experience. I'd like to think I could have lasted for another 10, but who knows as I reintegrated due to my boredom from the lack of social interaction. Am hoping to do this once a season, if anything just to save some money. It is recommended for best results to only use organic ingredients, but I got most of my stuff from Costco and still felt awesome results. Perhaps adding a little fuel to the fire of the organic vs. commercial food war.

But enough, let's get down to it. When I started on my oj stint today, I was really nervous about losing my buzz. Simple, I thought, just eat raw foods only and completely change your eating habits. No Problem. Totally purged myself of most of my dated entertainment cookbooks, and now am looking forward to getting involved in healthier cooking. But there's a change taking place as I type. And only a few people know about this change. That is in my mentality. Before, I thought that in order to be grounded, I needed to constantly be out in nature, plain and simple. And not the nature in KC, I need mountains and trails and pure, clean organic nature. But then I temporarily forgot that philosophy and found an even stronger grounding buzz through this cleanse. During these 10 days, a lot has happened on an emotional level. The most important being, I am beginning to feel connected to a community. Something I have always yearned for, my niche, but haven't yet found. And lo and behold, it's right in front of my eyes, I just couldn't see it with the glasses I was wearing. But with these new glasses, I can see it perfectly. I have found a community where I can dance and talk and write and yoga and swim and volunteer and most importantly be my authentic self.

So now that the 10 day joy ride is over, I find myself not only feeling the buzzkill of returning to reality, but not knowing how to apply what I have learned in the past 10. Is it odd that I haven't even thought of blogging during the cleanse? Something inspired me to read some of my posts, and as a result, I've tried to pick up that baggage again. But it's different now. I've seen a light at the end of a dark tunnel and am trying to remember the steps I took in order to find that light again.

But applying the thinking, "You can have it all", I came up with a way I really can have it all, it's just a totally different life from any of the other models I've seen. That's scary for me, as I have always felt so much better when I have had a model to follow. But now I don't, and what happens if I fail. What happens if my goals and plans that I have written out, and which empowered me so at the time, aren't as fulfilling as I expect them to be? And what happens if it is just another 5 years or so of aimless wandering? What if.... What if..... What if......?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I have to stop the lemonade drug?! Life was so much better when I was on it. A veil had been lifted. Is there any other way to lift it?