Walk the Dog

Let me begin by saying, "Vive Italia"! I was rooting for them before the head-butt, and that incident just goes to prove that I really would be better off going out to dinner with an Italian gent instead of a French man. That was how my patronage was inspired, by that very thought. It's important to keep one's priorities straight. Speaking of food, last night Bruce and I witnessed the most amazing, grotesque, ludicrous, hilarious, revolting, unimaginable, astonishing, impossible, and totally American sport on ESPN. And no, it's not "The World's Strongest Man", although that is a favorite of mine. It was Coney Island's very own 'sporting' event, "Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship". Where do I even begin? A majority of the show was a huge advertising promo for the new and improved Coney, home of the world's best dog. Now that's cool. So cool, that they have decided to revitalize the whole island in order to for it to become more enticing for lots of business opportunities. I'm getting sidetracked on a completely different blog. I digress....

Right, so here are some fun facts about Coney, Nathan's made 1,000 hot dogs for the event, it was 90 degrees and very humid, and there were 24,000 spectators to behold this magical historical moment. One of the most surreal things about the show, was how the commentators really treated this as a sport. Equal opportunity, politically correct, or something just to fill the time slot while keeping up the ratings? You be the judge. Now, I'm definitely walking the fence on this one, because I do believe that there truly is no right/wrong, good/bad, best/worst, things just are, but seeing how I am a former P.E. teacher, I'm finding it very challenging to consider hot dog eating an actual sport. I don't believe that after a round or two of hot dog eating that one actually feels any adrenaline or even the endorphins as there is no room for them due to the body being full of hot dog. But what do I know, only that 3 ball park franks was enough of a push for me, but that's only 1/18th of the victorious 53 dogs. That's right, 53 dogs and buns, consumed by one completely non-assuming young Japanese male, Kobayashi. At least this cannot be singled out as a purely American fetish, it's definitely international. And most of the competitors were just as normal, unassuming, some even athletic looking, as Matthew Broderick himself. Unfortunately, there were no celebrity cameos amongst the throng at this event.

Back to the competitors. They're great and really talented too. Champions of all the food groups, and then some. The spinach champion was there, as well as the world's most crab cake eater, and then the birthday cake, pig snout, fallafel, green bean, turkey, peanut butter and jelly, hamburger, corn-on-the-cob, ribs, pizza, grilled cheese, ice cream, chicken wings, tamale, jalapeno peppers, mac n' cheese, bologna, asparagus, corn beef, chili cheese fries, meat balls, mashed potatoes, wild grapes, baked beans, shoe-fly pie, portabello mushrooms, Belgian waffles, lobster - eating champions were all there too. My, my how we've progressed, I guess you can call it that, from the glory days of plain pie eating contests. Okay fine, I took a little editorial liberty and created some of those champions, but I like to think that I might just inspire new and improved contests for someone to discover their life's real passion in food inhaling. One can always hope. The thing with these contests is that they are all timed, 12-15 minutes is the standard amount of time for people to eat unprecendented amounts of food that I don't even eat in a year. The jalapeno pepper champion wolffed down 152 peppers. 15 minutes. Unfucking believable. Why isn't he on the cover of People magazine?!

But that doesn't even top this year's dog champ, and 5 time winner by the way. I know they take everything seriously in Japan, but this is almost too intense. Not only did this Japanese action figure suck vac 53 in 12, but he also is the record holder in cow brains, an impressive 17.7 pounds ingested, as well as the title holder in rice ball eating. I almost fell out of bed after learning this juicy tidbit.

Another great part of the show was the ESPN pregame show where they had little bios on the eaters. Most of them, according to the compelling clips, led normal lives working normal jobs. The commentator snagged Joey Chestnut, the American hopeful, as he got off the bus jogging, full of adrenaline and caloric aggression as he made his way to the table and was able to ask him some tough questions. Here's the interview, almost verbatim, at least what I can remember of it...

Interviewer: So Joey, tell us what you do when you hit the wall?
Joey: I embrace it man, I embrace it and push through the pain and focus only on eating.


Interesting to note that during the actual 12 minutes, Joey was convulsing the whole time and I was sure the chunks were going to spew after each bite he took. But he maintained his rhythm. It was a real nail biter, though, as Chestnut was ahead of Kobayashi for most of the race. But then in the 10th minute, his 2 dog lead began to slip down to one, then to only a half, and then Kobayashi just left him in the dust. I think it was K's two-at-a-time technique that really blew Chestnut out of the water. How these competitors were able to stand up at the end of the competition and even celebrate their achievements goes way way way beyond all rules of nature.

I will mention that us women were represented by the world record holder in some food group. She was a beautiful Asian woman whose skin did not even remotely reveal that she could store 50+ dogs in her tiny body. She did a bangup job and women everywhere should be proud.

But regardless of the sex, size, or shape of the contestants, this contest was absolutely disgusting to watch. But yet, it hooked me in, because I wanted to see who was going to make it and who was going to regurgitate the dogs first. I literally felt sick after watching this. I guess it says a lot about a lot of elements of our society, the networks, our individual needs for attention, love, and money, and our self-image, or lack there of.

But I have some questions that need answers.... How long does it take one to digest 53 hot dogs, How and where does the body store that inhuman amount of food, Are there any scientific studies that record the toll 53 dogs takes on an athlete's body 20 years down the road, Is there data out there that proves that we as humans are evolving to handle more and more hot dogs with every generation, and What was the horrific childhood experience that could possibly lead one to gorging themselves with hot dogs, and then convincing others that it was cool? Wow, this says a ton about our society and where we are in the world. Perhaps another time. The real clencher remark of the entire program was when the commentator proclaimed that these were the best athletes in the world! Wow, that's really cool that you can equate a World Cup competitor and Hot Dog Eating Contestant on the same level. But here's to you Mr. Hot Dog Champion Eater Man.