To Be Or Not To Be

That is NOT the question. Throughout my life have asked myself, and countless others, what the plans for the day are, or essentially what am I going to do today? But I just intercepted the notion that that is the absolute incorrect question to ask when one is searching for something, for truth. Instead, asking what am I going to create today?, seems not only a much healthier way to begin each day, but also the question is not as judgment laden or restrictive. The answer encourages creativity in creating anything from clean clothes to a new dish, from a new post to a better understanding of a certain subject, from a more syncopated belly dance form to a stronger, more defined physique, from an adventure to an unknown land to a fun outing with a friend, etc......

I think this new perspective is already influencing me with a healthier vibration. My biggest hang up with work or volunteering is that I am constantly being told what to do. Something I am completely burnt out on. In my most recent past work/teering I have felt suffocated due to lack of creative liberty. I have developed an intense fear of any form of work killing my creative self. But it is all in the approach. Instead of tackling the question from a strictly financial stand point, I need to ask myself what I can create that perhaps somewhere down the road, might be marketable. This is a cry from my inner artist to let her out.

So let's start with things I create that bring me joy:

Belly Dancing - creating moving art and strengthening my core
Cooking - creating yummy, healthy foods that energize our bodies
Reading - creating a deeper knowledge of a subject, such as astrology
Swimming - creating a community, strengthening a friendship, creating new tone
Yoga - creating a new awareness of my breath and body
Nature - creating a soul connection with mother earth
Blogging - creating a voice
Hanging out with Bruce - Bruce provides me with a safe creative community. He is my guide, my resource, and my incredible comfort. Having grown up in an environment where my creativity was stifled, Bruce is my life source, resuscitating the creative side of me that has been dormant for so long.
Walking - creating a deeper meditation practice and a deeper appreciation for the beauty of nature

Volunteering didn't make the list, perhaps because I see it primarily as something "to do" instead of something I can create. But technically I create a lot, I create houses and care packages and connections, but these creations don't utilize my creativity. I just follow the instructions prescribed. I've been following prescribed instructions all my life and I'm ready to create something on my own, without any instructions. Change is hard. It's scary and explains why I feel like a lost nomad most of the time. But as my I Ching reading states, I am humbling proceeding, gathering up nutrients from the community and eventually creating something out of it all.

Clusterf@!k

The Raw Diet Scene
Amazon/B&N visit, overwhelmed - another fad diet?!
Do I really need another cookbook, dehydrator, juicer, etc..... That's just more f'ing stuff when I'm trying to purge myself of stuff that I already have?!
Organic v. Not - truth and fiction, mind over matter
Another competitive business advantage?
Fueling superiority complex when really no one is superior over another, our history just influences us that way
this is why I don't really want to do anything with people right now because I get swept up in their drama which tries to get me to follow along, in turn validating them as a being.
F#!@!!!!!!
Talk with Bruce
Me: "Life is so easy, humans are just really good at complicating stuff to the extreme".
BB: Life is full of difficulties.
Me: But not when "everything you need is provided" just open your eyes. I don't think that is so just because I'm not working.
BB: Well, that's true for your life.
Me: You're right. I can't keep making generalizations about my life experience and apply them to the general public. Just as no one can truly "be in someone else's shoes". Because no two people have identical experiences.

But yet, we as people, crave homogenity in spite of our heterogenity. We are each uniquely talented and diverse from each other. We both embrace and flee from that. Embrace in that we don't want others to have the same tastes, fashion sense, personal lives as us. Flee in that we need external validation as to our being "okay". Hence, selling your mantra in a cookbook, how-to-find true happiness book, fashion, fear-based belief, or whatever, if we have followers, that means we are "right". And that is important to us because it makes us feel superior to others, to be right, better, best, etc.... When in reality there is no right or wrong, things just are. But hey, at least we belong, at least there are others like us. There isn't anyone like us. We are each uniquely individualized, but do share a commonality, we each have a reflection of the Divine in us. But we as a society cannot simply accept things as they are. We are always striving to be better, to do the "right" thing, in order to try to justify ourselves, mentally, as better or better off than so and so, etc...

Solution: To really observe the chaos taking place, and not get swept up in it. To remember "we are spiritual beings having a human existence", to enjoy life, but not get attached to it or to the things in our lives. To focus on our breath.

Nature's Calling

Sleep? Who needs sleep? I'll sleep when I die. Since my mind is hot, and there's nothing else to do, thought I would quickly get this out of my head. So I'm kind of settling into the idea, and much to my chagrin, increasingly growing attached with the notion of establishing some sort of roots here in KC. A fine option, and when the opportunity is right, I know everything will work out as it is intended. However, my judge-self loves to play the nature card, "What about when you came back from OB, Colorado, or SF and had a major MAJOR meltdown before landing?! What is that saying about your need to be grounded in nature? And do you think KC really has enough nature in it to keep you grounded?"

Interesting questions. All I can say is that those meltdowns were pre and during my transition to the person I am today, and I would like to think that when I take another outbound flight that I will return, this time, feeling more secure in who I am. You see, I was so upset because I didn't feel at all comfortable as a square peg having to fit into a circular hole. All the other pegs are circular and don't seem to be having the same problem as me. Therefore this must be the right way, I just need to work on it more. But now, after my coming-to-Jesus moment, I know that I am different, and I think I know that's okay. We'll see how I do on the next adventure. Moving somewhere out of the Plaza might help.

Limonade

I have discovered a new drug called lemonade that gives one the most clairvoyant buzz ever. Partook in Stanley Burrough's lemonade cleanse for 10 days and am just now starting to reintegrate into human food. But it's hard. Hard on so many levels. The first day I was on this cleanse I was as happy as I was in the Bangkok hospital, which is the happiest I've ever been. It was so easy to make "meals", required no time, and it felt great for most of the toxins to leave my body. The cleanse also gave me a unique vantage point as to all the different roles that food plays in our society and world. We eat when we are bored- it was really difficult to be at Bruce's and not eat! Not that his Costco pantry looked all that appealing, but at least it was something to do!; stressed-Bruce and I had a misunderstanding and when I got to his place, I totally felt the need to binge on anything that would fill me up other than lemonade, it was nuts to synthesize the underlying motivation for the binge; as a social habit-nights were definitely the hardest just because dinner is one of the significant routines of the day. Quite the experience. I'd like to think I could have lasted for another 10, but who knows as I reintegrated due to my boredom from the lack of social interaction. Am hoping to do this once a season, if anything just to save some money. It is recommended for best results to only use organic ingredients, but I got most of my stuff from Costco and still felt awesome results. Perhaps adding a little fuel to the fire of the organic vs. commercial food war.

But enough, let's get down to it. When I started on my oj stint today, I was really nervous about losing my buzz. Simple, I thought, just eat raw foods only and completely change your eating habits. No Problem. Totally purged myself of most of my dated entertainment cookbooks, and now am looking forward to getting involved in healthier cooking. But there's a change taking place as I type. And only a few people know about this change. That is in my mentality. Before, I thought that in order to be grounded, I needed to constantly be out in nature, plain and simple. And not the nature in KC, I need mountains and trails and pure, clean organic nature. But then I temporarily forgot that philosophy and found an even stronger grounding buzz through this cleanse. During these 10 days, a lot has happened on an emotional level. The most important being, I am beginning to feel connected to a community. Something I have always yearned for, my niche, but haven't yet found. And lo and behold, it's right in front of my eyes, I just couldn't see it with the glasses I was wearing. But with these new glasses, I can see it perfectly. I have found a community where I can dance and talk and write and yoga and swim and volunteer and most importantly be my authentic self.

So now that the 10 day joy ride is over, I find myself not only feeling the buzzkill of returning to reality, but not knowing how to apply what I have learned in the past 10. Is it odd that I haven't even thought of blogging during the cleanse? Something inspired me to read some of my posts, and as a result, I've tried to pick up that baggage again. But it's different now. I've seen a light at the end of a dark tunnel and am trying to remember the steps I took in order to find that light again.

But applying the thinking, "You can have it all", I came up with a way I really can have it all, it's just a totally different life from any of the other models I've seen. That's scary for me, as I have always felt so much better when I have had a model to follow. But now I don't, and what happens if I fail. What happens if my goals and plans that I have written out, and which empowered me so at the time, aren't as fulfilling as I expect them to be? And what happens if it is just another 5 years or so of aimless wandering? What if.... What if..... What if......?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I have to stop the lemonade drug?! Life was so much better when I was on it. A veil had been lifted. Is there any other way to lift it?

Suffering from Another Attack

This time, however, it's an excitement attack. So many things to do and I want to do them all, but don't know what to do first. Just yesterday I thought I was on track for what I wanted to do, but now after seeing Shaffia and meeting another Gemini, my whole world is turned back upside down. A number of quotes are coming at me all at once.... "This is the best of both worlds"-Candide. Why desire/ attach to things that will only bring pain and suffering?-Buddhist Teaching. "You can have it all"-Shaffia. "The only thing one needs to concentrate on in life is the breath"-Shaffia, and various others.

And there's a full moon tomorrow night, so that adds to the craziness factor. As I told Bruce, there is no happy medium for me, either I am suffering from a panic attack about what other's will think of me, or I am suffering from an adrenaline attack as there are so many options as to what I want to do, I am simply overwhelmed. But the happy medium comes from the breath, as the last quote indicates. And thus I am breathing. These hi emotional rushes usually seem to come in the evening, I wonder if there is something to that.

I get so confused when I'm not on the land. Where's the ventilator?! Who's to say one life is better than another? Society does, because we judge people by their experiences, clothes, resumes, peers, homes, etc..... Consoling ourselves at the end of the day because we have more or are not as bad off as Bob, Susie, Dick, or Jane. When did we become such a competitive cut-throat society?! So greedy for material wealth as we assume that it will bring us happiness. Living the life as a country bumpkin who never leaves the country, let alone state, is no more or less of a life than my own. The difference is they are more likely to be more present than I ever have been in my world travels and adventures. Why is that? It's because I want to be able to tell people about my exciting adventures and upcoming exotic plans, because I want the fame. I want people to think that I live an exciting adventurous lifestyle. I want people to look up to me. I want to be unique. That is why I am so opposed to following the cookie cutter societal lifestyle I am so cut out for. I am unique with or without the exotic plans. I am authentically unique just by listening to my breath. At the end of the day, my parents are wrong, the only thing that matters is how I feel, not how others feel about me. Who really cares how I feel about them?! NO ONE.

Today met a fellow Gemini, Jane. She's a hard core world-travelling twin who encouraged me to get out and see the world. It was great chatting with her, but afterwards I had totally jumped aboard a speeding train with her baggage. When I was talking about Bruce, I called him my partner. It felt good to say, and I was comfortable with it, but why is it mission impossible for me to committ 100%?

Am getting caught up in the hype of being 30, and being able to do whatever my heart desires. A chance most people either don't get or blow. But who's to say what's blowing the opportunity and what's not?! I can feel I am getting closer and closer to the core of my obsession as to what other's think. With each breath. Man, what a trip. And who's to say that other's don't have this opportunity? Everyone gets it, most people just don't realize it or are too afraid they will fail. What am I afraid of? At the core level? Being unacceptable. But how could I ever be that? Aren't I that with my parents? They definitely have some challenges understanding me, but they still accept me. How can anyone not accept someone when we all share the same common thread, being a human filled with compassion and love. I guess I see how pointless my fear is.

Trying to understand the universe, or any small part of it, is pointless. So why am I wasting my time with it? Does it make me a better person?

Back to Africa

More on this nature issue. As I stated in my previous post, I am ready to blow this popsicle stand come September. The only question being, what's the next move? So far, Peace Corps is in the running, going on faith that I am able to somehow reconcile my disillusion. With this choice cut I'd be tempted the most to stay put here at the Palace of Za as it would only take 9-12 months for me to deport. But 9-12 here can seem like eternity sometimes. Moving to Bozeman, Montana, is back in the running. I say back because I had this brainstorm last year when I was in Montana, and think it would be a good nature infused environment along with a strong cultural college-town influence. Studying yoga in India is now at a low simmer on one of the back burners. I did have the inspiration to purchase my own piece of land this week as a means of inspiring me to work for a consistent paycheck. As of yet, that is the only motivation to work I have intercepted in my 28 years of existence. Forestery has always been a potentially gratifying work environment as many of the career interest tests have informed me. But the voice in my head always asks, "Where's the forest in Kansas City?". However, that idea has a strong undertone of committment, both in the job and purchasing some land, and thus threatens this Gemini's most prized virtue, roaming. Geminis thrive on communication, travel, and having 11 burners on high going all at once. I'm so textbook. Of course, there is always the option to stay in KC, just in a more nuturing neighborhood. But as of now, that idea is on the 11th burner with extremely low heat which is soon to be extinguished. And then there is always volunteering with WWOOF, internationally or nationally, which would satisfy a part of my desire to roam, work the land, and meet organic people. But that has to take second to Peace Corps. You see, I almost have to do Peace Corps, it's somewhat in my blood. Right out of college I was interested in it, but somehow my parents persuaded me to consider Americorps more, on the belief that I had the high potential to pick up some nasty disease, like AIDS, in some third world country. A familiar fear they have thrown at me before in high school, when I wanted to go to the Dominican Republic with the youth group to build latrines. Fear is something my family completely thrives on, and now it's time once again to throw it back in their face. Another key Gemini trait, tell us not to do something, and it's the only thing we will do. Teaching English doesn't interest me, but HIV education does. Paybacks are a bitch.

And who knows where I will be inspired to go this week, as on a lemonade induced cleanse, it promises to be interesting!

Thunderstorm

When I say my brain is storming, I meant it! After a blogless week, I am back on the typepad. It actually hasn't been a completely blogless week, I have been blogging in my head, and in notes to share with Shaffia. So here's my round-a-bout week-in-review....

Finished burning the fields today, and after 3 sessions, I am most thankful to learn that we only get to do it every three years. Who knows where I will be in three years. In three years, I could be almost finished with my Peace Corps mission, or perhaps have my own piece of land, but alas, I am clearly jumping way WAY ahead of myself. Back to the land.... Have come to realize in the past week, that nature is one of the few places, outside of my incubator, where I feel happy and grounded. During Tuesday's burning session, heard the muffled voices in my head scream, "WE COULD TOTALLY DO THIS!!!!", and I finally realized that they've been trying to tell me this for SEVERAL years. How do I know that? Countless times I have left beloved KC for Outward Bound, Colorado, Montana, or even San Franscisco, all to return in uncontrollable tears. The only times I am happy to come back are when I've been to bigger metropolises, like D.C., Chicago, and Bangkok, and it's good to be back in my familiar micro-metropolis called the Plaza. But only then.

It's interesting how my metro unrest has really come to the surface over the past two weeks. After the first burn, I didn't realize how grounded I was until I parked my car in a familiar spot on glam avenue, materialism oozing in utter abundance from the streets and the people who subscribe to that mentality. I used to be one of them, but am not anymore. It's taken a year for me to realize that that USED to be my lifestyle, when the voices were so muffled I could barely hear them. But I did hear them. And have heard them all my life. That's why I have played the part, but always been a little different, perhaps ahead, of the rest of the gang. Marching to the faint beat of my own drum in the background of the midst of the waltz played at the country club party I have attended for the past 27 years.

Being out in nature is a drug for me, and I have come to grips with my life-long addiction overnight. Saturday's buzz barely got me through to the second session on Tuesday. But that buzz quickly got killed Wednesday. After a relaxed day out in the country, reality slapped me in the face when I had a "busy" schedule, packed with a Peace Corps meeting followed directly by a massage, and had to cancel my two other appointments due to an ensuing 3 hour panic attack. Not the best timing on my part, but it was a tp emergency, and Target was nearby. But when I went into the friendly fluorescent lit super American mega chain, I was consumed by fear of The Man. Losing my individuality. Where everything looks the same and all the drones happily comply with losing their indivuality, the Brave New World. Was able to grab the item I originally came for as I sprinted out of the store all the way back to my incubator. Where I suddenly questioned Peace corps' mission. It is a government run organization in which the volunteers are ambassadors to the United States. Fair enough. But are we really 'helping' other countries, or rather just helping them achieve our standard of living? And as the minor minority can attest, our standard is crap in the long run with the underlying theme being that material success and wealth bring happiness. Is anyone listening to me?! How can I coexist in a 4th grade mentality world, when I live on the 13th grade level?! Where does one draw the line between authentically helping another, and accepting another who comes with a completely different manual? When do we learn that different is perfectly okay?! This was the one thing that drove me all the way back to my incubator from Vietnam. Everything American over there is great, and I had to wear the mask that I enjoyed living in the celebrity lauded land. The land that blew the arms and legs off the guy on the street smiling at me while asking me to help him out?! The injustice of it all!!! The injustice of brainwashing one that their culture is corrupt and the only way to happiness is through a dollar that is ten times more corrupt. War is an expression of fear. Fear of differences, fear of change. The same is true of power. No wonder the two go hand-in-hand. When will we graduate to the 5th grade level mentality? Or are we forced to regress back to 3rd because we have flunked the test too many times?!

While that is only one perspective of many, I am desperately trying to see the situation through another perspective, but for some reason it is incredibly hard, and as a result I am shutting down. So I didn't go to the evening PC film and talk, nor did I go to dinner with my high school drone friends, because I was afraid I would get sucked back into dronedom. That's what is so refreshing about Bruce, 100% authentic, guaranteed anti-drone. But through this past struggle, called a year, I am now coming to realize that it's okay to be different, no more fighting it, just accepting and exploring in a search for my authentic self. That almost made life sound like fun.

Burning Man

The best day of 2006 happened this past weekend. Saturday I helped some friends with a field burn and found it to be quite a spiritual experience. While I was actually on the field I didn't think it was the best day of the year with my eyes watering, nose dripping like a faucet from inhaling a more than substantial amount of carbon monoxide despite the mask. But I now have a completely new appreciation for firemen. After we got a couple of smoke-ingesting field burns under our masks, we discovered that backburning, against the wind instead of with it, was a much more pleasant and efficient way to burn the field. It was during this burn, that I grounded myself in nature and was able to take in the beauty of the prairie fire flames.

It wasn't until after I had parked my car on the usual street in the glamorous Country Club Plaza, that I was able to really relish the experiences of the day and feel my grounding blossom. I've always felt a contradiction in living on the Plaza, surrounded by the desire for material things to supposedly help satisfy one's eternal drive to prove their the best through the material accoutrements they own, in contrast to my own personal desire, a simple lifestyle helping others in our environment. That contradiction struck me as I walked across the pedestrian foot bridge and I resolved there and then that I would be moving from the Plaza come September. There that was easy. Making that decision empowered me. The fact that I had, and still don't have, no idea where I would go, what I would do, had little importance. The fact was that I was moving out. Tired of living the contradiction. Tired of getting gawks and stares from the Plazalites, both in my building and from people I used to call friends, as to the nubby gray sweat pants and T-shirts I wear. What, I'm clothed aren't I?! Better than me running around naked, according to societal rules. But in actuality, if we all lived naked, the world would be a better place. We would see that we really are all human, less boundaries, less mental games trying to convince other people of something you are or aren't, less competition, MORE LOVE. Love would be flowing everywhere. Our country would be a more united state in the physical, emotional, and spiritual state. Perhaps mentality of war, of getting, taking, seizing power over one another would end. Perhaps the world would come together and begin to fulfill our purpose here on earth, to help one another, as a unified whole. Perhaps we would start laughing and having fun. Perhaps. Just perhaps.

But enough of that pipe dream, as that is clearly not where our super-independent-ego is driving us. Okay, okay already, I'll put my clothes back on. Geesh! I'm tired of living in a microcosm, city, country, world that lacks love. Tired of it all. So tired of the daily mental clusterfuck....Until I get back to my apartment, my space, my incubator, free from some of the material influences, but by no means all material influences. I still pick up that baggage. I did last week. The crux of last week's shopping spree was my desire to finally be able to reintegrate into this societal mentality that I don't even subscribe to anymore. I just live in the midst of it. The sole purpose being the proximity to Loose and the Kauffman Gardens. Nature, as rugged as it gets in the city, my Land.

So the question is how do I resolve this clusterfuck? Any suggestions please send them my way, and fast! Until then, I'll stick to my breath, my walks, my swims, my volunteering, my connection with the creative community, my books, my yoga, my blogs, and anything else that grounds me on this place called earth. Allowing my roots to grow. Amen.